Tragedy Strikes Wisconsin

Milwaukee, WI (AP) – After over two weeks of significant snowfall, the Northern half of Ozaukee County in Southeastern Wisconsin was subjected to a flash flood of an as-yet unidentified brown, pungent-smelling sludge at 11:00 AM. Damage estimates are not complete at this time, however clean-up costs have the potential to run well into the hundreds of millions of dollars.

Emergency management officials, using advanced scientific instruments, believe the epicenter of the tsunami to be in the Town of Saukville, some 30 miles from Milwaukee. At an impromptu press conference, local FEMA director Wendell Hornblatt indicated the substance was likely not toxic, but was “nasty.” Tests are currently underway to identify the sludge.

First responders are reported to have rushed to the site of the believed epicenter, where 2 survivors were found, a young mother and her 7 month-old son. Because of the age of the child, the AP is withholding the names of the two survivors at this time. EMT Sheila Stankowski attended to the mother. “She kept saying ‘it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop.’ She was in shock pretty bad but was otherwise ok. I mean, she was covered in [expletive], so I can understand freaking out, you know?”

EMT Jonathan Smedley described the infant’s condition as “great, it’s like he experienced a lot of relief or something.”

Several hours after the disaster occurred, the mother was able to provide some details of the event. She said her son was seated in a Bumbo, a seating device for infants that provides back support and props up the child. The substance then burst forth from the seat, in quantities that stunned the mother. “He hadn’t pooped in 2 days, but how could he have had that much inside him? How could I have lifted him? It’s like he opened up a portal to another dimension. I mean, there’s no way he could have made all that by himself right? Right?” Her son then said “mamamamamama.”

Hornblatt was unsure of the mother’s explanation. “Sure, it walked like a duck and quacked like a duck, but come on. One baby did all that? Right. She may smell poopies; I smell al-Qaeda.” Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff was not as quick to point to terrorism. “There was none of the usual pre-attack chatter, and so far no one has claimed responsibility. And my first kid once actually spread the contents of his bowels across Jersey City, but no one noticed because it was Jersey City.”

Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle has declared the afflicted area a disaster area, and is asking the federal government for assistance. President Bush issued a prepared statement that sent “his deepest sympathies to the fine people of Minnesota” and advised he looked forward to his next chance to fly over the area in Air Force One.