Almost a Deuce

In a matter of days, Peter will be two years old. Two years ago today we were trying to get Peter to turn upside down by holding a couple of lit cigars against Mommy’s toes. That sounds like a joke, but it isn’t. Well, the cigars part is inaccurate, but it was still burning stuff.

 

It didn’t work and Peter stayed breech despite our best efforts. After living with him for these past couple years I know why: he didn’t want to. End of story. He’s strong-willed, smart, and strong. My hunch is he figured out while in the womb that he preferred having his head up, and that last week he figured out how to position his body in such a way that he could stay like that as long as he wanted.  I remember that first day with him, when he had his eyes open and moving around, and he could lift his head on his own. That was a clever little strong guy who had mastered his environment.

 

Now if I had a time machine and could go back two years to suggest a way get him to flip over, I’d tell us to play Thomas videos at Mommy’s feet so he’d turn to check them out. Of course, that would work today. But back then he had dug in his heels (literally, pretty much) and was happy being where he was. If we asked Peter to stop doing something he liked so he could do something else he doesn’t know about, well, let’s just say he’d decline. Some things don’t change.

 

So much is different now about Peter, but really it’s more like our understanding of him that has changed instead of him. He’s really pretty consistent. We’re just kind of slow in understanding him in some ways. And, of course, by “we” I mean me.  

At The Movies With Peter & Dad

Peter, Daddy’s watching that Food Network cake decorating competition. Why are you putting this DVD in my hand? You want to watch it every day, and Mommy can recite the whole thing verbatim now. Ok, fine, we’ll watch it again, but we’re going to do a little work afterwards, ok?

Thomas And The Magic Railroad (2000)
Reviewed by Peter & Peter’s Dad


Peter: Fra! Fra!

Peter’s Dad: Thomas And The Magic Railroad is a feature-length film based on Thomas the Tank Engine, and its American showcase program, Shining Time Station. It was directed by Britt Allcroft, the producer of the Thomas television programs. I think I’ll repeat that for emphasis, she is the producer of the Thomas programs. Directing. Ok? Good. So it stars Alec Baldwin, Peter Fonda, and Mara Wilson. Peter?

Peter: Fraaaa!

Peter’s Dad: That’s right Peter, the trains were the real stars of the movie. Well, I mean, they should be, but they really aren’t featured as much as one would like. Instead, it’s heavy on the people.

The story deals with Mr. Conductor (Baldwin) being called to the Island of Sodor to take the place of a vacationing Sir Topham Hatt. Also returning to the island is Diesel 10, even though he was a new creation specifically for the film (so how is he returning?). Mr. Conductor travels between his usual home of Shining Time Station and the Island of Sodor via gold dust. He blows his whistle, and gold dust flutters all over him, which somehow causes him to teleport to Sodor. Or maybe he folds space like in Dune. Anyway, he goes tweet and he winds up elsewhere. We learn that his gold dust is running out and he needs to figure out how to get more.

Meanwhile, the granddaughter (Wilson) of Burnett Stone (Fonda) is sent out from The Big City by her very pregnant mother to spend some time with Grandpa. Burnett Stone has been keeping a secret for many years that weighs heavily on his soul. Now, I don’t know who is ultimately to blame, but Peter Fonda’s performance can be summed up like this: lobotomized. No, that’s not his secret, but it would explain a lot if it were. No, this character is about as dynamic as a frozen meatloaf sitting out on a counter, thawing slowly. Has it been in the freezer too long? Does it have freezer burn? Did it smell like that when it first went into the freezer? Maybe you should just have that can of ravioli, instead. Anyway, should I blame Fonda or the director who is really a producer? For all I know, Peter Fonda is a thespian of the highest caliber who got beaten down by a director who just doesn’t understand artists. He could also be less stimulating than a sheet of ¼ inch plywood and the director did a bang-up job of making him as perky as he’s ever been in his life.

Peter, you still with me?

Peter: No noooo!

Peter’s Dad: Ok. Peter, is Gordon in the movie?

Peter: Yah! Go-go!

Peter’s Dad: Good! Does Gordon do much in it?

Peter: Noooooo…

Peter’s Dad: That’s right, he doesn’t. Do you want to go have a cookie?

Peter: Yah! Cook-ah!

Peter’s Dad: Ok, you can go get one in the kitchen.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Alec Baldwin is the highlight of the film. It’s obvious that he likes doing a role for children and it really suits him well. He’s almost the opposite extreme of Peter Fonda, dynamic and interesting. Mara Wilson was kind of famous at the time the movie came out, because she was in Beaches or some other chick flick. Well, not Beaches, maybe Prince of Tides. You know, something Streisandy. Wasn’t she? Well, she wasn’t nobody, but… Oh man, I’m going to say mean things about a kid. Ok, it wasn’t her. It was the director who is really a producer. There, let’s leave it at that.

Peter’s Mom read a book that said eating corn is bad for cows because their stomachs aren’t supposed to be eating it, and it can cause e-coli contamination and other nasties. The screenplay of this movie could cause your average heifer to keel over dead from one page. Alright, maybe it’s not that bad, but whenever I’ve edited the writing of others’ I always advise them to avoid repetition of certain idioms or phrases. If – Peter, stay in the kitchen! – you took a shot for every time “Little engine’s can do big things” or “This is our/your Shining Time” is said, you’d be drunker than Mayberry’s Otis on his biggest bender.

On the whole, it is an entertaining film, even with the flaws. Baldwin is fun. The trains, when they’re around, are fun. Even Peter Fonda does a great job if you tell yourself that he’s actually a leftover zombie from Night of the Living Dead who is slow and emotionless, but he looks great!

Right Peter?

Peter: Fra!

Non, Nein, Nyet, Nuh Uh

And so it has come, the era of No. Last week, Peter started saying no clearly and firmly. He had always relied on the simple head shake before, but now he can just say no. And so he does. It was nice last week when we'd get just a single no, but now he's on to the no-no-no-no-no-no-no response. He doesn't even need to be asked a question for that to come out.

 

I thought he might be saying it just for the sake of saying it, so I tested him.

 

"Peter, do you want to change your diaper?"

 

No.

 

"Do you want to go night-night?"

 

No.

 

"Do you want to take a bath?"

 

No.

 

"Do you want to have some ice cream?"

 

Yeah!

 

 

 

 

He's probably at the doorway to the toddler verbal explosion. He is saying a lot more, but he's working on making the things he says clearer. Case in point: I put him in his car seat last week, and afterwards said "I love you, Peter." He then said back to me "ah lff" and smiled. He also has been saying "doo" for juice, but him mom coaxed a "joo" out of him after several attempts.

 

This afternoon he called me at work. I picked up the phone and before I could even say hello he shouted “Da Da!” After recovering my hearing, I asked him if he was being a good boy. “Yeah!” I asked if he was playing. “Yeah!” I asked if he was playing with Mommy. “Yeah!” I asked if Mommy was being good. Then there was a pause. “Yeah.” I guess I’ll have to make sure he isn’t covering something up for her when I get home.

 

And I would be remiss if I did not let you know that I have had the Thomas and Friends theme song stuck in my head most of the day. It’s not the most pleasant experience.

Before & After